Equanimity

watching Shinzen Young videos on the iPad = ub...

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Just completed a fabulous mini-home-retreat. Usually I design and create these for myself, but I’ve found a meditation teacher who has honed the content and delivery to a “T”…. or maybe “M” for mindfulness. Shinzen Young‘s basic mindfulness home retreats feature his program of methods for mindfulness and are awe inspiringly powerful.

One of my “aha” moments during the four hour combination of didactic instruction, interaction, and sitting meditation made communal by the use of the internet (I use Skype to connect, quite happily) was Shinzen answering a question after the first technique was practiced. “Equanimity” is one of those words you’ll hear as often as “cool” in yoga and meditation circles, so hearing Shinzen apply his scalpel like mind and bring the discussion back to the definition is always refreshing. One of the many things I appreciate in his teaching is that he is truly a philosopher in the Socratic sense: philosophy is a practice as well as a system of interrelated definitions supporting clear thinking.

He reminded us that equanimity is the skill of allowing images, thoughts, feelings or sensations to arise “without push or pull,” without moving toward or away from them, without craving or aversion. Equanimity is what we exhibit when we allow these experiences to arise and pass away without our interference – perhaps without even our explicit notice.

And he asserted, if I understood properly, that this is our psyche’s healing mechanism. The intuitive appeal of this theory has me looking into his deeper philosophy, but for now all I can say is that it makes sense to me and resonates with my experience. I had an image of the desert plateaus and canyon floors I spend so much time traversing. After a good rain, an infrequent phenomenon to be sure, bits of the past surface with as much ease as spring water seeping through cracks, to be worn away and converted to light and heat by the wind and the desert sun. What a blissful new way for me to relate to sitting.

How do you define equanimity?

Adjust Yourself

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I learn something new about yoga every single day. Lessons and teachers are everywhere, and the challenge of maintaining equanimity is ever present. Right now, my husband and I are in Mountain View, California and he’s interviewing for a new position. Now, we live in Albuquerque – in the middle of the desert, in the largest small town you’ll ever find. So this would be big. Huge. Tremendous.

Being the planner and the mapper, the finder and the schemer this gives the monkey in my mind whole new rain forests of possibilities. Last night, after wonderful husband gave another dry run of his presentation today, I discovered he’d not packed a tie. Off I was in the rental car I’d not yet driven, in search of a blue tie in a city I’d never seen. Did I mention he declined GPS? Anywho, one of the skills my job demands is navigation, and though I’ll never win any awards, I get the job done. Another of those skills, driving, is something I’ve always found a comfort and a joy.

So the discomfort I felt upon embarking was puzzling. The car was lower to the ground with a deeper cabin than I’m used, but that wasn’t it.  I was so uncomfortable I could barely pay attention.

So, of course, I gripped the wheel a little harder, opened my eyes a little wider and thought, “Wake up Girlie-pie! Pay attention! This is no time to be wandering aimlessly!” As I pulled my back up straighter and pressed my sitting bones down, it struck me: I hadn’t adjusted the car for me to drive.  The seat was way back and not upright the way I like. The steering wheel was too low. The mirrors were reflecting sky.

After a few more intersections of nearly veering into other lanes, intense anxiety and a feeling that all was not right with the world, I finally pulled over. I found the seat adjustments, the mirrors, the wheel. When I got back on the road, it was like the world had changed. I could tell where I was going, I had control of the car, it was even fun to drive. But it wasn’t the world that had changed: it was me. My first reaction was to harshly tell myself to buck up! Sit up! Get right! But no amount of bearing down was going to change situation.

But softening, getting curious, making some minor adjustments and fine-tuning made all the difference in the world. The key was getting curious instead of furious. Not furiously mad, but furiously grasping and controlling. The difference was softening instead of gripping. I can’t wait to take this lesson into my vacation yoga class.